Take a good look at this picture then read the paragraph underneath.

Golf Story

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man (see above) who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?’ No, I had to stop drinking years ago, ‘the homeless man replied.

‘Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?’ the man asked.’ No, I don’t waste time fishing, ‘the homeless man said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?’ the man asked.  ‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless man. ‘I haven’t played golf in 20 years!’

‘Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?’ the man asked.’ What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?’ exclaimed the homeless man.

‘Well, ‘said the man, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.’ The homeless man was astounded.’ Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

The man replied, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.

A Golfing couple are staying at a hotel and meet a Martian couple and began talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex came up.

“Just how do you do it?” asked the man golfer.

“Pretty much the way you do it” responded the Martian.

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female golfer and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman, looking shocked.

“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!”

“No problem,” he said, “All you need to do is gently slap my forehead to make it grow longer until you are happy with the length.”

So she slapped his forehead a few times, and watched his member grow until it was quite
impressively long, and she was getting quite excited. “Well,” she said. “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he said again, “just pull my ears and it will gradually grow wider.” So with each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
even more exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they had breakfast the male golfer said to his wife, “Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful. How about you?”

“Well,” he said, “I had a horrible night. I am black and blue. All she kept doing all night was slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears.”

mars

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

“Is that you, Bob?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?”

“No  –   I’m a rabbit on St Andrews Old Course.”

rabbits

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

massage

Generation Golfer

Since the launch “Generation Golfer” has witnessed over 4000 viewings and over 100 listings. (In just six weeks)

Generation Golfer is an innovative website which is already growing in popularity with golfers from around the world.  It offers a unique platform for golf fans to connect and to benefit from special deals and discounts.   It is completely free and has no hidden costs or linked spam mail. Businesses are welcome too with free advertising opportunities available until April 30th 2017.

 

Founder Richie Clayton explained,

“My business partner and I realized that there was a gap in the UK market for a golfing website which was dedicated to golfers who want to network, make friends and enjoy getting in touch with fellow golfers.  Our site is fun and we often share jokes and have a laugh.  It’s all about golfers enjoying themselves.  We’ve been amazed by the positive response we have received from golfers everywhere we go.   We welcome businesses too and they can have their own full page to promote special offers to our visitors.  It’s free but we will be asking the businesses for fee from next April to help fund the running of the site”.

To find out more just visit www.generationgolfer.com

We do ask Members to abide by our Code of Conduct as we strive to ensure that Generation Golfer is a fun, safe and friendly website for all.

We also offer a unique advertising platform for golfing and leisure businesses who wish to widen their customer base.  Each Advertiser has their own page with photographs and video which can be edited easily at any time. 

We are continually improving the site and adding new content and features.

Every Monday the fun category releases – New Jokes, Videos, News (NEW), Stories, pics and from next week a Monthly Blog (NEW).

The Header drop down Categories have changed recently with the NEW “One Stop Shop 4 Golfer” where you can search for:

 

  •  Golf Clubs & Courses
  • Accommodation
  • Driving Range
  • Entertainment
  • Fashion & Gifts
  • Football Golf
  • Golf Breaks/Tours
  • Golf Course Care/Equipment Supplies
  • Golf Equipment
  • Golf Pros
  • Golf Shop
  • Golf Training Aids
  • Holidays
  • Hotel
  • Insurance
  • Ladies Fashion
  • Men’s Fashion
  • Other
  • Other sports
  • Restaurant
  • Special Offers
  • Trick shot show
  • weddings

 

  • Generation Golf offers a range of advertising opportunities for Golf Clubs, Driving Ranges, Golfing Pros and other businesses who wish to reach a wider customer base. Choose from: –
  • (i) Standard Customized Advertisement Page FREE until 30.04.17 and only £99 for 12mths (special introductory price) Do it yourself page with as many changes as you require (£49 for Golfing Pros) You can add photos, video and special offers. It’s simple to update your page at any time. (ii) Featured Customized Advertisement Page –  Special introductory price of £149 for 12 months. (We list for you with one change allowed each month based on your required information)

 

Generation Golfer welcomes you

 

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A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, “Do you live here?”

“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered.

The wife said, “Are you a genie?”

“Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself,” the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes…one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of £1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, “Done!”

The genie now said, “For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire.”

The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?”

She replied, “3 years.”

The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”

To which she responded, “31 years old.”

The genie then asked, “How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

genie

One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.

“Darling,” she started.

“Um,” he replied.

“If I died would you get married again?” she continued.

Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you’d want me to be happy again, wouldn’t you?” he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.

“Yes, I suppose,” she answered.

They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.

“Darling,” she started again.

“Um,” he replied.

“If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?”

He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. “I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours.”

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.

“Darling,” she once again started.

“Um,” he replied.

“Would you let her wear my shoes?”

This time without putting his book aside, he said, “Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes.”

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.

“Darling,” she said, renewing the inquisition.

“Um,” he replied.

“Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?”

With no hesitation, he answered, “Of course not, she’s left-handed.”

lady-golf

 

 

An extraordinary year of golf on Sky Sports is not over yet. After 15 months out of action, Tiger Woods makes his return to competition at the Hero World Challenge, starting on Thursday, December 1.

Woods is once again the tournament host at the stunning Albany resort in the Bahamas, where an elite 18-player field featuring six of the world’s top 10 will assemble for one of the most eagerly-anticipated events of 2016.

Tiger Woods has not played competitive golf since the Wyndham Championship in August last year
Tiger Woods has not played competitive golf since the Wyndham Championship in August last year

We have not seen Woods on the course since the Wyndham Championship in August last year, after which he underwent back surgery and has spent most of this season slowly getting back to full fitness.

Denmark won the ISPS HANDA World Cup of Golf for the first time as Søren Kjeldsen and Thorbjørn Olesen claimed a thrilling four-shot victory at Kingston Heath Golf Club.

The Danes had been a dominant force all week, with a stunning round of 60 in the fourballs on Friday helping them take a four-shot lead into a final day where they would be playing the same format.

They did not have it all their own way, though, and the lead was cut to one shot on the back nine as the United States and China kept applying the pressure and France and Sweden made surging late charges.

A run of five birdies in six holes from the tenth was to reassert the Danish dominance, however, and Kjeldsen and Olesen finished at 20 under after a closing 66.

The French duo of Victor Dubuisson and Romian Langasque shared second with China – represented by Ashun Wu and Li Haotong – and the United States duo of Rickie Fowler and Jimmy Walker.

 

Alex Noren and David Lingmerth combined for a brilliant closing 62 to finish five back for Sweden.

The win completes excellent seasons for Kjeldsen and Olesen, with both finishing in the top 20 of the Race to Dubai Rankings presented by Rolex and the latter extending his streak of winning seasons on the European Tour to three with victory at the Turkish Airlines Open.

Denmark’s previous best finish at the World Cup had been in 2001 when Thomas Bjørn and Soren Hansen finished in a tie for second, and for Kjeldsen it was a first victory in his sixth appearance, while Olesen was making his third.

“It’s been an absolutely incredible week,” said Kjeldsen. “I’ve enjoyed it so much.

“I’ve enjoyed the camaraderie with Thorbjørn. I’ve been so impressed by his game, his attitude, and I think we’ve had a great time and that reflects in the result.

When you’ve got a guy like this on the back nine on Sunday, it’s like you feel you want to die for the guy – Søren Kjeldsen

“When you’ve got a guy like this on the back nine on Sunday, it’s like you feel you want to die for the guy. It’s different and that’s been really interesting to feel this.

“I sort of get the sense why teams get so together when they play well. I’ve never really experienced that before this week. I really enjoyed that and that team feeling is amazing. We obviously don’t get that very often.”

Olesen added: “It was tough but me and Soren have been great this week with just our mental strength. We’ve been very, very good keeping calm and playing our own game and we’ve both been playing well.

“So I wasn’t too nervous on that back nine. I felt like we’ve got to make some birdies at some point. They came at the right time.

“We play different games but I think that’s actually really nice because then we don’t talk too much about the shots with each other, we just play our own shots and I think that helped a lot.”

 

Five of the Best – ISPS Handa World Cup of Golf (Day 4)

Kjeldsen and Olsen could only turn in level par and when Li made a birdie on the tenth, the lead was briefly cut to just one shot.

A 12-foot right-to-lefter on the tenth from Kjeldsen reopened the gap but a Wu birdie on the 11th cut it again before Olesen hit back from eight feet.

The Chinese at that point looked like the main threat but the United States had also birdied the tenth and 12th with France and Sweden on the birdie trail.

The Swedes had turned in 31 and birdied the tenth before rattling off four in a row from the 12th as both Noren and Lingmerth got the putter going, with Dubuisson doing the damage for France, who also turned in 31.

After taking advantage of the par five 12th, he put an approach tight to the 13th, produced a brilliant chip on the next and then put his tee-shot close on the 15th.

I wasn’t too nervous on that back nine. I felt like we’ve got to make some birdies at some point. They came at the right time – Thorbjørn Olesen

Noren holed from the fringe on the 17th and when Fowler made a birdie on the 13th, France, Sweden and the United States were all within one shot of the lead.

Olesen followed Fowler in, however, and then found another gear. He played a beautiful second and exquisite chip to birdie the par five 14th and then put his tee-shot to 12 feet for another birdie on the 15th and a four-shot lead.

Dubuisson birdied the last and the United States and China picked up further birdies, but the job was done, with Olesen applying the gloss on the last.