Funny Golfing Quotes

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks’, Where did you come from? How did you get here?’ She replies’, I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’ Amazing’, he notes.’ You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.’ Oh, this thing?’ explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, where did you get the tools?’ Oh, that was no problem’, replied the woman.’ On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’ The guy is stunned.

‘Let’s row over to my place’, she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually’, It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’ No! No thank you’, he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.’ It’s not coconut juice’, winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’ Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces’, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.’ No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

‘This woman is amazing’, he muses.’ What next?’ When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

‘Tell me’, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him’, We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something You’ve been longing for?’ She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing.’ You mean .. ‘ he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

‘Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!!!’

 

An argumentative drunk had been looking for a fight all afternoon in the club bar after losing his match, finally aiming a punch at the man next to him. The man ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool on to the floor. By the time he’d dusted himself down and picked himself up, his opponent had departed.

“Not much of a fighter, was he?” he complained to the barman.

“Not much of a driver either, sir,” said the barman, gazing out of the window. “He’s just driven over your clubs.”

 

Ricky Fowler turned 28 on Tuesday, and if you’re a pro golfer, having a birthday in mid-December is perfect. As long as you’re somewhere warm, that is. Seriously, there is nothing going on so even if your big day falls in the middle of the week, there’s no reason not to have a celebration.

Adding to the excitement this year? For the first time in his life, Fowler had a special guest on hand at his birthday bash at Catch LA: the Ryder Cup. Apparently, it was Rickie’s turn to take the coveted trophy home with him.

Oh, and there were actual people there, too. Most notably, supermodel Cindy Crawford. Rickie Fowler posted this photo of the two on his Snapchat account:

ricky-fowler-cindy-crawford

World Number 8 Patrick Reed and World Number 9 Alex Noren are the first players to announce they will be heading to Lake Karrinyup Country Club in February 2017 to compete in the revolutionary new format at the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth.

Also announced today, ISPS HANDA have proudly extended their support of international golf by signing on as the title partner of the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth for three years.

Reed and Noren will headline a superstar field to contest the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth from February 16-19, when the European Tour and ISPS HANDA PGA Tour of Australasia come together to sanction the combined stroke play and match play tournament.
“From the moment I heard about the combined format I knew that I wanted to be a part of the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth,” said Patrick Reed, a five-time winner on the PGA TOUR.

“To be able to travel to Australia and compete in a unique tournament is something I am very excited about.

“I would love to be the inaugural champion of the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth and will be playing my best golf to ensure I not only make the six-hole match play rounds on Sunday but that I am lifting the trophy that afternoon.”

Swedish sensation, Noren is one of the most in form players in the world. Having experienced a meteoric launch up the Official World Golf Rankings in 2016, he is now inside the top-10 courtesy of four victories on the European Tour this year which also saw him finish 3rd on the 2016 Race to Dubai.

“This will be my first time to Western Australia and I am excited to play Lake Karrinyup Country Club and see the sights. I have heard great things from my fellow European Tour players,” said Noren.

“Everyone on the European Tour has been talking about the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth, the format is very interesting and I look forward to playing in the inaugural tournament.”

Reed and Noren are the highest ranked players enticed to Perth in the past seven years and the first top-10 players to make the trip.

The West Australian Government, through Tourism WA, is a proud sponsor of the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth.

Tourism WA Acting CEO Gwyn Dolphin said it was a coup for Western Australia to host the inaugural World Super 6 tournament.

“Golf is very popular throughout the world, and has a high appeal for many people in some of our top tourism markets, including Singapore, China, Malaysia and the United Kingdom,” said Mr Dolphin.

“And with two of the biggest names in world golf signing up to take part, we can expect the tournament will deliver national and international media coverage of WA giving us the perfect platform to promote all the changes that are happening around Perth to the world.”

A passionate player on the course, Reed is renowned for his match play prowess earning 3.5 points from four matches for Team USA in his debut at the 2014 Ryder Cup as well as spearheading the American charge in the 2016 Ryder Cup where his infamous showdown with Rory McIlroy was something direct from a Hollywood storyline.

The confident American Ryder Cup star and 5-time PGA Tour and European tour winner is just 26-years old and famous for his interaction with spectators. Whether he is pumping up the crowd by sinking huge putts or hitting incredible shots, he brings energy and excitement to the game of golf and loves the crowds, and loves the fans. Reed is sure to bring some excitement to Perth.

“Patrick Reed is the perfect headline act for the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth, at Number 8 in the Official World Golf Rankings it is great to see the world’s leading players supporting this fresh innovative format,” said Stephen Ayles, Chief Commercial Officer for the PGA of Australia which oversees the ISPS HANDA PGA Tour of Australasia.

“Reed is an exceptional talent and at a young age of just 26 has already achieved so much in the game. His exploits at the recent Ryder Cup  were legendary, particularly in his inspired matchplay win against Rory McIlroy.

“We are looking to inject passion and liveliness into tournament golf with the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth and Patrick Reed is a player that embodies these traits.”

Noren forced the world to stand up and take notice of him in 2016, his winning ways making him one of the hottest players in golf.

“Alex’s accession into the top-10 is a huge credit to his ability and dedication. Arguably one of the most successful golfers this year makes him a huge coup for the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth,” added Ayles.

“While 2016 has been a career year for Alex, I think 2017 could be even bigger, perhaps starting with a victory in Perth.”

A passionate supporter of golf worldwide, ISPS HANDA is proud to be the title partner of the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth which already boasts a strong field including Reed and Noren.

“ISPS HANDA enjoys an incredible relationship with a number of the world’s best players and we are delighted to extend that at the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth,” said Dr Handa.

“Perth is my second home; I am looking forward to welcoming Patrick and Alex to this beautiful city.

“I hope that our organisation can also help build on this already strong playing field by encouraging other top class players and ISPS HANDA ambassadors to participate in the tournament.”

A unique format in world golf, the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth will combine 54 holes of traditional stroke play across the first three days with an exciting knockout match play format for the fourth and final round.

“This tournament is innovative and forward thinking, we are thrilled to be a part of such a dynamic new event,” added Dr Handa.

“Lake Karrinyup Country Club is one of the finest golf courses on the planet of which I am a very proud member and it will be a spectacular venue for the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth.

“There are so many reasons to be excited about this tournament and I hope all of Perth, Australia and the world will enjoy the tournament.  I’m very excited for the golf ahead!”

Holding the keys to the city for both Perth and Swan it was here that Dr Handa’s passion for supporting blind and disabled golf was born.

“Perth is a great city and I am delighted to be sponsoring the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth and extending that relationship,” added Dr Handa.

“For nearly 30 years I have been a supporter of blind and disabled golf around the world.  It was in Perth, when I was 38 years old, I played my first game of golf against a blind golfer, he was 62 years old and he beat me.

“It was this experience that has provided my inspiration to support blind and disabled golf, as well as outstanding professional tournaments like the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth.”

Already the major partner of the ISPS HANDA PGA Tour of Australasia, which co-sanctions the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth alongside the European Tour, the PGA of Australia is delighted to be extending its relationship with the organisation.

“The ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth is a unique concept which we believe has the power to diversify the game attracting new audiences all over the world,” added Ayles.

“However our bold vision requires the support of an equally visionary partner and we are proud to have ISPS HANDA on board to help us bring this to life.

“I would like to thank Dr Handa for his commitment to golf and in particular to his support of Australasian golf which is far reaching and dates back almost 30 years.”

ISPS HANDA is the first of many partners coming on board who have embraced the vision to innovate the game, with more announcements expected in the coming weeks.

The ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth will be played at Lake Karrinyup Country Club from 16-19 February and will form part of both the 2017 European Tour Race to Dubai and the ISPS HANDA PGA Tour of Australasia Order of Merit.

To see World Number 8 Patrick Reed and World Number 9 Alex Noren in action at the ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth please visit Ticket Master to book your tickets.

The ISPS HANDA World Super 6 Perth is proudly supported by the West Australian Government via Tourism WA.

A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

Have you ever wondered about the history of golf?

How did golf begin, where did it start and what kind of clubs and balls did they use?.

If you have wondered, you can find the answers here.

Adriaen van de Velde, 1636 - 1672 Golfers on the Ice near Haarlem 1668 Oil on oak. One of the first ever depictions of golf in the history of golf.

Golf on Ice?

Are you serious!

The History of Golf

Follow the story of golf’s evolution . . . . . . .

I don’t understand golf.

The entire point of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

To make as few shots as possible.

The more shots you take, the worse you are.

So the people who play the least golf are the best ones at it.

And the people who play the most golf are the worst ones at it.

Unlike other sports, people get paid millions of dollars for being able to play less golf than other people.

In football, basketball or tennis, the best pros are the ones who score the most.

If you want to get paid to play golf you have to be able to score less than other players.

To play less than other players.

As I put my ball on the tee, take a step back and look at the fairway ahead, I realise I don’t play enough golf.

And here’s the thing, if you don’t play enough golf you will never get better at playing golf.

So by not playing enough golf, you will never be good enough to play as little golf as possible.

After the swing and seeing my ball disappear into the trees again, one thing is clear.

I don’t like golf.

One Christmas the family came home to celebrate. All four kids in the family were successful and had become wealthy doctors and lawyers. Over the break they were eating out and talking about what great gifts they had given their old mother, living in a faraway city, for Christmas.

The first brother says: “I have built a big new house for mum with its own private 9-hole golf course.”

The second brother says: “I spent one hundred thousand dollars to have a cinema built in her new house.”

The third says: “I ordered my regular Mercedes dealer to deliver a luxurious convertible to her.”

The fourth brother says: “Well, Mom loves to read the Bible and you know how bad her eyesight has become. I recently came across a priest, who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests well over 12 years to teach him all that but nowadays that parrot’s so good that you only need to say the chapter and the verse and he recites it. I had to promise to give one hundred thousand dollars to the Church every year for the next twenty years, but well, mum is worth every penny.

Christmas is over and mum sends her boys a thank you note: On the first she writes “John, the house that you have built for me, is so big that I use just one room, although I have to clean the whole house. The golf course is great; you know how I love to play the game but I’m having trouble seeing where to hit the ball. Nevertheless, many thanks!”

The second was told: “Charley, that cinema has got Dolby surround and 50 people fit in easily. Wonderful! But all my friends and acquaintances are dead, I’m deaf and almost blind, so I never get there. But thanks for the good idea!”

On the third: “Pete, I’m too old to go on a trip and my groceries are delivered at home so the Mercedes is rusting outside. But it was a nice idea. Many thanks!”

And the fourth: “My dear Hank, you’re the only son who thinks and cares enough about me to think of something that I really enjoy! The chicken was delicious! Thank you very much!”