The Pro is my Shepherd,
I shall not Slice.

He maketh me to Drive Straight
Down Green Fairways;

He leadeth me Safely
across Still Water-Hazards;

He restoreth my Approach Shots.

He Leadeth me in the Paths of
Accuracy for my Game’s Sake.

Yea, though I chip through the Roughs
in the shadows of Sand Traps,
I will fear no Bogies.

For his Advice is with me;

His Putter and Irons,
they confort me.

He prepareth my Strategy for me
in the presence of mine Opponents;

He anointeth my head with Confidence:
The Cup will not be runneth over!

Surely Birdies and Eagles shall follow
me all the Rounds of my Life,

And I will score in the Low Eighties


A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what ?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great ! so NOW you tell me.” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.


An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.

After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good shot.

He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”

“We call it 3.” he replied tersely.

Here’s a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out…

Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inabilty to count past the number 5.

It’s a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you’re not
choosy about which fairway.

If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone
would play better.

The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway

George and his wife were playing the local Coroner and his wife in a four ball match. At the 9th the ladies went forward to their tee and hide behind a hedge, unfortunately George came off his drive and hooked round the hedge and struck his wife right on the back of the forehead killing her instantly.  Cut to the inquiry in to the death! The Coroner calls for the forensic scientist, swears him in and asks him for his report, ‘Well’ he says ‘death was caused by a hard object probably a golf ball striking the dessed on the back of the head’ ‘OK’ says the Coroner ‘did you find anything else??’ ‘Yes actually we found a golf ball several inches embedded up her anus’ ‘Ah thank you, if thats all you may step down’ Call George! ‘ George we are very sorry for your loss I know how much you loved your wife’ ‘Oh yes’ says George ‘ we were married for 50 years we were childhood sweethearts, I don’t know what I will do without her, we went everywhere together played golf all over the world we were never apart Oh Oh I loved her so much’ and collapses into tears. The coroner says ‘ take your time George  we understand how  distraught you are!! However I do have some good news for you!!  We have found your provisional!!’

These are the short listed so far:1.       One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing2.       Wife: what would you do if I died? Would you get married again? Husband: Definitely not! Wife: Why not? Don’t you like being married? Husband: Of course I do. Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? Husband: Okay, I’d get married again. Wife, with a hurt look on her face: You would? Husband: makes an audible groan. Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Husband: Where else would we sleep? Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers? Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Wife: Would she use my golf clubs? Husband: No, she’s left-handed3.       Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.” No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin. “Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” “YOUR 7-iron!” he replied4.       Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole, the following conversation ensued: First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. Second Guy: That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool. Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal? Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Golf course or intercourse?” And she said, “Wear your sweater

Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, “I can’t go up there that’s my wife and my mistress.”

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, “Small world, huh?”

The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”

The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”

The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The third old guy said, “I had seven riders, the same as last time.”

The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than a tree;
A tree o’er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the celling, the old man says, “I haven’t been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It’s my hobby, my passion, my first love.”

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit longer and then the woman said, “While we’re baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have been a hooker all my life.”

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, “Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?”

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts?
In case he gets a hole in one.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

Do you know why the game is called golf?
Because all the other four letter words were taken.

What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf?
Fantastic 4-some.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, “Well, you said I had to choose, right?”

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?